Edward Makes a Trade
by Pirate Bob
Summary: "But I don't have any parents!" Eddy insisted. "I'm a machine, er a robot, er somethin'." Adira didn't believe the lad at first, but when she felt 'is sharp fingers on 'er skin, she realized the yarn might jest be TRUE.


_Me Children, 'ere be a fun little yarn aboot a movie ye all watched as kiddies. If ye 'ave trouble readin' me writin' I'm sorry fer ye. A tip, I've been told ta parcel out is ta exchange each apostrophe (**'**) fer an "**h**."_ _Someday, perhaps I'll learn meself 'ow to read and write both and then we'll all be merry. In the mean time, this yarn needs a little explainin' up front. Inside, ye'll meet an original character named Adira. It usually be not me style ta actually get permission fer usin' someone else's character, but that's exactly what I've got this time. Adira belongs ta one Jeera Reese Hinata, but she said I could use 'er so long as I don't 'ave 'er killed by cancer, er make 'er a girlie girl. I think ye'll agree, Adira is anything but a girlie girl in this yarn. Now sit back and enjoy:_

**Edward Makes a Trade**

Eddy swirled along the green 'edge, clippin' away at leaves and wreckless branches. Afore 'e knew it, the boy 'ad made short work a Mr. O'Gillacutty's privacy. The old man, 'e come a stormin' out and 'ollered at poor little Eddy who stood meekly near 'is creation with sinkin' shoulders. For once 'is scissor-'ands were still as he listened.

"Stop that infernal cuttin'!" cried O'Gillacutty. "Ye've gone and ruined me best 'edge, ye 'ave! Me neighbor's'll see right through! Now be off with ye, ya lil' squirt, afore I call yer parents."

"But sir," said the little boy, brightening, "I 'aven't got me any parents."

"Pish posh! Whatdye mean? Everyone's got parents!"

"Not I."

"A course ye do! Oh fiddlesticks, 'ave ye ne'er 'eard o' the birds and the bees? What's this a world a comin' ta when they don't e'en teach our youngin's aboot where they come from?"

"But I don't have _any_ parents! I'm a machine, er a robot, er somethin'." Eddy insisted. The lad came up the lane and put a scissory 'and on the 'and-rail. He peered earnestly up at the old man.

"Ah, ye be a devil, me boy. A course ye 'ave parents. Don't ye 'ave a father or a mother?"

"No, I've only got an inventor. Well, 'e's sorta like me father, and 'e loves me and stuff and gives me things like these scissor-'ands, but I don't 'ave a real father, not like a real boy. And I don't 'ave a mother, either." The lad hung 'is wee head and sighed. "What I wouldn't give to 'ave a mother."

Alas, the old man 'ad 'eard enough o' the yarn. "Get off me property, ya beggin' little thief! Stay away from me mother. And if I e'er catch ye near me 'edge again, I'll call the authorities and 'ave 'em lock ye in the stocks fer a mockery, I will. Good day!"

Eddy flinched as the screen door slammed. But this kind of thing did not upset 'im too badly. 'E 'ad 'eard it all afore and it was likely 'e'd 'ear it all again, too. The boy stepped back out ta the sidewalk and continued 'is work down the rest o' the street with similar occurrences and conversations with neighbors. And then Eddy climbed lurchingly back up the steep path ta the house on the mountain where 'is maker lived. Eddy always walked with a quick-paced lurch.

That night, the local gossip chain convened o'er backyard fences and telephones:

"Somethin' 'as ta be done aboot that Scissorhand boy."

"'E's wreckin' the entire town with 'is artwork. Which is nice, don't get me wrong, but what aboot our privacy?"

"It took us a long time ta grow those 'edges and trees and afore ye know it, we'll all be lookin' in each others' windows at night!"

"Arrr, ye be right, but the puzzle that has me perplexed is why we be talkin' like pirates?"

Someone thought they all needed ta go up ta that mountain house and see if they couldn't catch the inventor and make 'em promise ta either rewire the lad, or disconnect 'is life support system. This idea took fire like a spark ta dry straw in a barn. They understood fully what they'd be askin', but seein' as 'ow they didn't look at killin' a robot the same way as killin' a man, they wondered why the inventor'd not see it their way, too.

Well, they batted the idea around a bit and finally decided ta send up just one member of their town ta first ask nicely, and then if that didn't work, they'd all come with their pitchforks and butcher knives ta make the point more clear.

They chose a sassy girl from their midst, a Lass no one would miss too sorely should somethin' terrible befall 'er and she ne'er return. They picked…

ADIRA.

Now Adira was a firey, hot-tempered gal. She could wrestle and sass with the best o' em. In those days she wore 'er 'air up in a jet black Mohawk with a white stripe down the center line. Some boys chanced ta make fun o' the poor lass one day and sure got themselves a bargain and then some.

She said, "I am not the 'skunk girl,' I am not!" and she throttled every last one o' 'em 'til they all claimed, bruise-nosed and bleedin', they'd not make the same mistake again. However, Soon as they be around the corner, they sure laughed 'er ta scorn. And then ran when she chased them. Adira had excellent hearing.

This day Adira was out on the porch listenin' ta 'er favorite rocker box which greatly annoyed the neighbors. But then they always were a bunch a old fogy complainers. She looked up and saw a procession of the townsfolk winding its way up the path ta 'er front porch. She nervously turned the radio down and fidgeted 'til the mayor was standin' in front o' 'er.

"Whatdye want?" she said coolly. Adira could be curt and short with 'er betters when the need arose. And it did on occasion.

"Adira Violet Hilary Charlotte Keller," said the Mayor, as if readin' from a list, "I've come on behalf o' the entire town ta request somethin' o' ye."

Adira perked up. It wasn't often she got honored by the mayor 'imself payin' 'er any heed. In fact, it was the first time really, so long as ye didn't count that once when she spray painted "MAYOR FINK SUCKS" across the side 'o 'is 'ouse in bright orange letterin', and then 'e'd gone around makin' speeches aboot if e'er 'e found out who'd done it, 'e'd sure ring Adira Keller's neck fer it, cause that's who 'e figured 'ad done it in the first place.

"So ye knows me full name, do ye?" said Adira. "That means nothin'. I don't owe ye a thing. Whatdye mean, askin' me fer favors?"

"What about all the damages to me property that one time," said the mayor.

Adira couldn't help but hang 'er 'ead. Although it'd ne'er been proved, everyone knew she'd done it, including 'erself.

"Aha!" said the mayor, "so it WAS ye. But no matter, all is fergiven, if ye just do this one teensy little favor fer me and the good townsfolk." Everyone else nodded in affirmation and looked at Adira expectorantly.

So Adira listened, respectful fer once, ta the entire thing. And they e'en wanted 'er ta sign a contract with blood ta be sure she would do it, but she knew better than that.

"Mayor Fink, you don't need me scrawl. I confirm it with me own yay er nay. And I say…"

Everyone leaned in ta 'ear the promise.

"…I say, 'I'll do it, on one condition.' That is, ye each 'ave ta pay me a penny taday, and double it tamorrow. Then double that the next day, and keep doublin' the previous day's amount each day fer thirty days. After that ye kin keep the rest. That's not too much ta ask, is it?"

The mayor and the townsfolk got inta a big huddle and talked it o'er quickly amongst themselves. There was a brainy egghead in the bunch who wanted more time ta do some calculations on the matter first, but no one would listen ta im. 'What's the matter?' said they, 'we're talkin' aboot a few pennies er dollars at the most combined. Ar har har, what a dimwit little girl.' And with that, they promptly agreed ta 'er terms.

Adira made them all sign the contract with their own blood. Most everybody signed except the egghead who quietly slipped away and went home ta figure some more. Later on, he'd come up with the proper numbers. In a month's time, each citizen would owe Adira five million, three hundred sixty eight thousand, seven hundred nine dollars, and twelve cents. The egghead thought it over and realized since 'e hadn't signed, he might stand ta profit some when Adira began rakin' in everything and people were left without houses or clothing. So the smart lad began right away, getting' a loan from the bank and buildin' some dog kennels out back. E' planned ta rent them out at exorbitant rates and make a fortune on the townsfolk's collective misfortune. Ar har har.

Well, the townsfolk left and then Adira took her rocker box and cranked up some music while she went aboot makin' some preparations fer the journey. She got on 'er favorite combat boots and leathers. There was a .22 pistol under 'er pillow that Grampa 'ad willed ta 'er when e' passed. She checked the cylinder ta be sure it was still loaded, put the safety on, and stuck it in her belt. Then she called ta 'er dog, "Scruff, 'ere boy, come on." And the two o' em set off fer the inventor's castle on top o' the hill above the town.

Along the way they met a scarecrow who wanted ta tag along but 'e was too scared o' them crows. Adira pulled out the pistol and fired inta the air, without e'en lookin' up. A beautiful white swan happened ta be flyin' by aboot that moment and came crashin' down at the scarecrow's trouser cuffs. 'E jumped back all wild eyed and skeered. "If that's the way things be," said 'e, "I guess I'll just stay up 'ere on me cross. I ne'er knew those crows were so big afore now."

Adira called 'im a few names, like 'Chicken' and 'Lilly Liver,' and then went on 'er way, too embarrassed ta tell the scarecrow that it wasn't actually a real crow at all, but a genuine trumpeter swan. She knew that much 'cause the bird had a little trumpet on a string around 'is neck. This journey wasn't startin' out too good yet. But 'er dog Scruff didn't know the difference and thought she was pretty handy with that pistol. Adira sensed the dog's admiration and decided ta just put the episode behind 'er.

By and by they came ta a big yellow lion that jumped out at them. Adira pulled the pistol on reflex and shot 'im in the heart. The lion fell o'er and gave up the ghost right there, afore it 'ad a chance ta e'en sputter, much less purrr.

Scruff sniffed at the beast, then kicked some dirt on its face and they went on. Adira, was startin' ta feel better aboot the entire thing.

They came ta a little grove of trees and lo and behold, there was a robot. It was just standin' there like a statue and they might not e'en a seen it. But then Adira did. So the dog and 'is girl walked o'er there and looked at the sight.

"Scruff, I don't know," said Adira, "be it alive or be it dead?"

Scruff didn't know 'ow ta talk English, much less like a pirate, so 'e wisely kept 'is mouth shut.

So Adira walked up ta the robot and thought she'd be funny. "Arrr, 'ow do ye?" she asked, "Me name's Adira Violet Hilary Charlotte Keller, and this be me dog, Scruff."

The statue stared back at 'er fer a while. Adira turned and snickered ta the dog. She started ta withdraw the pistol from 'er belt, plannin' ta shoot the frozen robot in the gut ta show she wasn't afeared o' it. But then the image did a funny thing. It held out a hand full of scissor fingers and said:

"Ow do ye do, Adira? Me name is Eddy. But they all call me Edward Scissorhands. No one's e'er introduced themselves ta me afore. Ye be me very first friend."

So the two o' em walked up the path ta the castle tagether, with Adira thinkin' ta 'erself. 'There's somethin' familiar aboot that name. Just what, I don't know."

Inside, the robot's inventor gave them both cookies and milk. 'E said 'e had a gift fer Edward. So they waited while 'e went and scrouged around fer it.

"Ye didn't tell me it was yer birthday," whispered Adira ta Eddy.

"I be just as surprised as ye," said the little scissorhand boy. "Since I was ne'er actually born, I didn't think I'd e'er get a birthday. Truth be told, I've always wanted ta be a real boy. I kin only 'ope the gift is a set of real-boy hands like yers."

Adira admired 'er own hands fer a second, secretly pleased Eddy thought she was a boy, then a strange thought hit 'er.

"Whatdye mean, 'real' boy hands?" She stared in 'orror at the smiling Eddy.

He continued to smile but raised 'is scissor hands and made little snipping motions in the air while 'e cocked 'is head to one side at her. He smiled lustfully at 'er hands.

"Uh…" stuttered Adira, "These aren't real boy hands at all. I actually be a girl, though ye probably didn't e'en know it afore."

Eddy looked surprised, but managed ta 'ide it well. "No matter," said 'e, "Me father'll give me some real boy 'ands he made fer me 'imself."

The inventor came back lookin' bewildered. "Eddy, sorry me boy, looks like I can't find those…uh…that gift I made fer ye after all, but 'ere is a sling shot in the mean time. 'Appy birthday, me son."

Eddy took the slingshot and promptly cut it in two. His scissorhands were not much good fer holdin' things, and 'e couldn't see very well through his tears.

"Just jokin'," said the inventor. He held out the real gift. "Here's some 'ands I made fer ye. Now ye'll finally be complete! I won't tease ye fer bein' a Pinnochio any longer."

"Thank ye, Gepetto," said the robot. And they both shared a chuckle.

Adira watched as Eddy jumped fer joy. She was relieved, too, havin' realized now who Eddy actually was: the very person she'd been sent up 'ere ta disconnect. She was just startin' ta wonder if she'd still be getting' 'er payment, though, when by a sudden stroke of fortune, the inventor 'ad a 'eart attack and collapsed. Eddy's sharp little finger blades went inta the 'ands and cut them ta pieces as the Inventor died in Eddy's arms.

Poor little Eddy. The lad looked as though 'e wasn't sure whether to cry because 'is dad 'ad just died in his arms, er because of the new real boy 'ands 'e'd ne'er get ta wear after all.

"Kill me, just kill me," 'e said ta Adira.

Sadly, the rocker girl pulled out the pistol and aimed it at Eddy's head. But then Scruff, who'd been sittin' still mindin' 'is own business fer a good long time suddenly started whining at the door and scratchin'. Adira rolled 'er eyes.

"Sorry," she said ta Eddy. "Excuse me a moment. I'll be right back." She got up and went ta the door ta let the dog out. "Don't worry, I'm coming right back ta put ya out o' yer misery, me little friend," she called o'er 'er shoulder.

"Okay," said Eddy sadly.

But when she returned, the robot was not there.

"Eddy?"

silence.

"Eddy?"

silence.

Adira looked all o'er the castle and couldn't find the robot. Finally she sat down and studied 'er revolver. She felt like shootin' something. All that money she was goin' ta lose now, and all because o' 'er stupid dog.

As if on cue, Scruff started scratchin' on the door ta get back in. The fated dog made an awful racket. A slow grin spread across Adira's sadistic mouth. She got up and fetched the door open wide, legs spread, and aimin' the pistol.

But there was Eddy, standing there with gleamin' eyes. "I don't want ta die after all," 'e said. He rushed at Adira who was too surprised to shoot and was aimin' too low to do any damage anyway. The robot knocked the gun away and then poked a finger inta the girl's eye.

"Yum," the robot said, tastin' the morsel in its mouth.

"Give me back me eyeball!" shouted Adira. She got down on 'er 'ands and knees and began searchin' fer the weapon. "I'll get ye fer that, ya little fink!"

"Adira, I already got me own eyes," said the robot. "What I needs be some hands."

She stared at 'im with 'er one good eye. The silly robot was actually tryin' ta bargain with 'er. Well, two could play at this game.

"Tell ye what," said Adira, "Why don't we each lie doon on one of those tables o'er there and let that machine swap our brains out with one another. That way ye kin have a real body and I'll be stuck as Eddy Scissorhands ferever."

It sounded good ta the robot, so 'e agreed. 'E allowed Adira to strap 'im down first.

"Am I really gonna get a new body?" said the robot hopefully. "I always wanted ta be a real boy."

Adira grinned. "Got news fer ye, Pal," she said, leveling the pistol at the confined robot's ear. "I be a girl." She cocked the hammer.

Eddy smiled, "Ah, but ye be a better boy than most boys." He laid 'is little 'ead down and waited fer the transfusion ta begin, still expectin' the best.

Alas, poor Adira couldn't bring 'erself ta pull the trigger. Eddy was such a nice kid. She stood there fer a long while and finally decided, "What the hey. I always wanted ta be a robot."

She turned on the machine and strapped 'erself in fer the ride. "Be a good dog, Scruff, and mind yer new master."

Then the machine whirred inta motion and both participants went ta sleep fer the operation. The poor dog sat transfixed while the gory scene took place afore its naive eyes. Towards the end of it, Scruff began a wishin' 'e could scratch 'is own eyeballs from their sockets.

Next day, a girl, lookin' very much like Adira, 'cept she was wearin' a neat new pirate eye patch and some fancy stitchin' 'round 'er crown, walked back down the hill inta town. The people met her and began pepperin' 'er with questions.

"I don't know," said the girl. "It be all very strange, but aye, I disconnected the lad, ye could say." She began walkin' on with a dazed look in 'er eye.

The townsfolk looked at one another and then hurried ta head 'er off again. "What dye mean, we 'could say' ye disconnected the boy? Did ye, er didn't ye? Don't leave us a guessin', Dearie."

The Lass stopped and looked at 'em with a long sigh. "Eddy Scissorhands," said she, "will ne'er again destroy yer property ner endanger yer privacy."

The town cheered. "Here's yer first pennies," they said, happily givin' 'er their due. In aboot a fortnight they'd no longer be so cheery aboot the arrangement and some o' them would already be livin' in Egghead's dog houses. But fer now they'd be merry.

The girl went 'ome and looked things o'er. "So this is where I live now," she said ta 'erself. It seemed cozy. And she now 'ad the pistol ta keep 'erself company. She put the gun beneath 'er pillow and crawled inta bed. At last, the robot was a real girl. In the mornin', maybe she'd go out and carve up some shrubs and bushes with an old set of 'edge clippers she'd found in the garage. It wouldn't do ta get out a practice, now, would it?

Back at the castle, the new Eddy Scissorhands moped around, tryin' ta get used ta 'is new self. "I still feels like a girl," 'e said, "but there be the rub. I now be neither a boy nor a girl no longer. I be just an it. It feels weird."

The dog Scruff lay by the fire, still confused. Adira had told him, 'be good ta yer new master,' so 'e figured 'e was the lad's dog now. And so everything was hunky dory. And when he got too shaggy, the boy would give 'em a good clippin'.

In the end, it was a good trade and everyone was happy. Arrr….


End file.
